Intregal to my irritation’s

You know what really grinds my gears? Well, two things really.

1) This may be just another one of those “irregardless” snafus, or one of those “expecially” errors. Either way “intregal” is not a word. The word is integral. Of course, not everyone knows this. Just the other day I heard “intregal” twice on a scripted tv show. Are you kidding me? I could see if it was a live show or some reality TV where the people may not know better and/or are just stupid, but we’re talking about something where evidently the word “intregal” was purposefully written into the script. Get it right.

2) For some strange reason, at least lately, it’s become the en vogue thing to add ’s to the end of bar and restaurant names that don’t actually have them to begin with. You’re going to Fado, not Fado’s; R.F.D., not R.F.D’s; and Lucky Bar, not Lucky’s. What’s next, knocking back a few at Big Hunt’s? Are you gonna get plastered at Marvin’s? How about getting your unce unce on at 1223’s? Maybe you want to smoke a hookah at Chi Cha’s? Lame.

Intregal to my irritation's

24 recap: Holy crap

I’d like to give a blow-for-blow recap of last night’s episode of 24, but I can’t because I’m experiencing sensory overload. Instead…

SPOILER ALERT

The return of Kim Bauer
It was a foregone conclusion that she was coming back, as she is the key to Jack’s survival. I didn’t think it would be so soon, but I knew going into tonight that she was going to be on. How? Accident. I saw a girl on a show that looked a bit like Sprague Grayden, so I went to IMDB to confirm whether it was her. I sought her page through the 24 page, and saw Elisha Cuthbert uncredited but in tonight’s episode. Yeah, she and Jack were reunited, and Jack asked her to leave as he suffered more symptoms of the disease, but make no mistake – she’ll be back as the cure.

The turning, again, of Tony
So you have to figure that this time it’s for good. Tony’s bad, again, and this time it’s for real. I’ll get back to this because…

RIP, Larry
…he killed Larry. Well, to be fair, Larry was shot and Tony finished the job. I’ve been saying all along that Larry was going to bite it before the end of the season, but I never figured it was going to be in that manner. I never really liked his character, always wanting to be straight-edge right up until tonight when he showed a little Jack Bauer, willing to go back into Starkwood without true Presidential approval. It’s somewhat fitting that on the night he seemed to finally come around, he bit the dust. Unsurprisingly, there was no silent clock.

The turning, again, of Tony Continued
Once Jack figures out that Tony is a turncoat again, Jack is about 200% likely to want to kill Tony himself. The Jack v. Tony face-off is going to be epic. It’s a little early to process the hows and whos of Tony’s final turncoating, but as that information comes to light I’ll have a lot more to say.

Next week
Well, next week we have Lady Jack finding out about Larry dying. It’s prime Jack-comforting-Lady Jack time, and maybe it’s then that they get with the makey outey? It’s probably the best chance we’ve had yet to see it, even with Lady Jack telling Jack not to tell her how to feel. There are only six episodes left, so if it’s going to happen it’s got to happen soon!

24 recap - Holy crap

In which I like my eggs a little Bunny

My Easter started with consumption of a Cadbury Creme Egg, as it should have (note to readers: candy will be half off today). I left for Sequoia to meet family, and drove by Clyde’s where I saw the creepiest Easter Bunny I’ve ever seen. I parked, walked inside, and was seated for brunch with my mother, younger sister, and a female cousin. Yes, I was surrounded by women.

It went roughly how you’d expect. They talked at times as if I was not there, about jobs and men, and varying other things. I looked on and listened, hoping that they would not turn their attention to me. I offered little in conversation, hoping that, like the Tyrannosaurus Rex in Jurassic Park, I would not be seen if I did not make any sudden movements, for any dating-related conversation was going to eventually turn to me. And just when I thought I was safe…

Mom: “So, I-66y, are…”
I-66 [interrupting]: “Don’t think that I’m going to offer up anything here.”
Cousin: “Why not? We did.”
I-66: “You didn’t have to. I know how this conversation goes. We have it all the time.”

Well, I was outnumbered. Under estrogenical pressure, I offered up a little about current events and extrications, and that was enough to sate the thirst. I endured some “guys are crazy” sentiment, and with a wince offered up some “all women are crazy, you just have to find the crazy that you can deal with” of my own. Relatively speaking, I escaped unscathed.

And then there was the talk of why my sister and I don’t go to church. I get a little for this every religious holiday, as my mother used to actively try to get me to go to church, but now she knows better than to ask. As the unconvincing Easter Bunny walked around inside the restaurant with her brunette pony tail hanging out from under her costume head and over her ill-fitting costume, I dodged detailing my objections to organized religion because that would’ve made conversation turn uncomfortable, though I may or may not have referred to myself as a heathen with a giant grin on my face. These days, religious holidays like Easter and Christmas aren’t about church, or even really about Jesus. These days, religious holidays are about love and spending quality time with family, even through uncomfortable conversations, because you know that even though you might not want to be talking about what they want to talk about, you wouldn’t rather spend the time another way.

In which I like my eggs a little Bunny

Extolling the virtues of little cups

When it comes to coffee, I’ve never been a crazed addict. I don’t go to Starbucks four times a day and I don’t buy multiple cups of coffee for myself when I go. My friends don’t buy me gift cards to coffee shops for my birthday and Christmas because they know I probably won’t get use out of them. Don’t get me wrong, I like coffee; a white mocha is good for me pretty much anytime. I just don’t often feel the need to throw down however much a venti whatever costs these days. Well, in the past 4+ months I’ve become a little more into the coffee. Why? Because this came into my life…

…and it’s like a whole new world has been discovered. No more do I have to use coffee filters and coffee grounds if I don’t want to (though it does have a separate filter attachment so you can use your existing grounds if you want). No more do I have to make an entire pot of coffee if I only plan on having one or two cups. With the Keurig mini, All you do is take one of those little k-cups and pop it in the machine, pour in the water to the fill level, place a mug underneath, and a few minutes later you have a hot cup of coffee. Clean up? Toss the k-cup in the trash.

This morning I had a cup of Caribou Daybreak, and it was quite tasty as usual. I have an arsenal of flavored coffees in which I periodically dabble (german chocolate cake, cinnamon pastry, creme brulee, caramel vanilla nut, etc), but the standard Daybreak and french vanilla do me just fine more often than not. I know, Starbucks is attached to the Tassimo folks, but is plain Starbucks coffee, unadulterated by pumps of syrup and whip cream, that much better than say Caribou or Timothy’s? I say no (yes, it’s better than Green Mountain – seriously, don’t buy Green Mountain).

So thank you, Keurig mini, for showing me the light. Coffee, for me, is forever changed. Now all I need is a machine that lets me drop in a cup full of donut ingredients and churns out a boston creme. Anyone?

Extolling the virtues of little cups

24 recap: King Missile

With Larry away, is this the week that Jack and Lady Jack finally make with the makey outey? Let’s find out…

SPOILER ALERT

Larry, Tony, and the FBI are surrounded at Starkwood. Hodges shows up and does a we’re soooo innocent, look! routine, and tells Larry he has five minutes to hit the road. Back at the FBI, they’re trying to find a way for Larry and his people to get out of there. Jack discoveres that Doug Knowles, Chairman of Starkwood, who two weeks ago was Hodges’ chief opponent to opposing the US government, was working with Senator 70s Show on his Starkwood investigation. Lady Jack is skeptical, but Jack convinces her and he makes the call to Knowles. Jack informs Knowles of the status of the weapon, and Doug appears willing to help the FBI.

Back outside at Starkwood, they’re moving in on Larry and company. Jack wants Larry to create a diversion to help Tony escape to presumably meet up with Doug. Larry punches Seaton, and Starkwood’s attention is drawn to that as Tony escapes, but not before he takes something from an FBI soldier. Larry leaves with his men, and Tony slinks away to meet Doug. Back at the FBI, Tony is radioing that he needs satellite support, but Jack can’t answer because he appears to be suffering from side effects of his exposure to the weapon. He’s leaning up against the wall in some discomfort as Lady Jack asks if he’s okay, and tells him that Tony and Doug have made contact.

At the White House, Jack and Lady Jack are calling. He tells her that Hodges’ men were going to attack so Larry and his people stood down, but that Tony is with Doug, who has a good idea of where the weapon is. The President wants Jack to visibly ID the weapon. Olivia gets a phone call and leaves the room. The reporter dude is on the phone and tells her that he heard that the Joint Chiefs have been called in and that there were rumors of weapons of mass destruction. She deflects, but he threatens to expose her forcing out of Ethan as Chief of Staff if he doesn’t tell her what’s going on. He tells her what hotel he’s in, and she calls Aaron (who I guess has taken her offer) to get a car ready for her.

Back at Starkwood, they think they’ve found the building where the weapon is located because it is not emitting an infrared signal and likely under a blackout shield. Doug’s keycard won’t open the door to the building, and Tony gets help from Barney to open it. Jack is still struggling visibly as the door combination is being decoded, and Doug and Tony take cover from a passing vehicle. Doug steps out to distract the guys in the vehicle, long enough for Tony to get into the building, and the guys escort Doug away. Jack staggers and falls into a seizure under effects of the weapon, and Lady Jack rushes to his side and calls for a medic.

Back at Starkwood, Hodges is informed of Doug’s presence. He asks that Doug be taken to his office until Hodges arrives, and wants security increased to make sure he was alone. He asks a scientist of some sort “how much longer” and is told half an hour. At the reporter’s hotel, Olivia convinces a reluctant Aaron to wait outside while she enters the hotel room. Ken, the reporter, and Olivia talk and Ken reveals what he knows about the WMD being moved out of Alexandria and wants to know more. Olivia cites national security as to why she can’t confirm anything, but under pressure she tells him about Starkwood developing the weapon and that they moved it to their base, and that the President is ordering an air strike as soon as they know where the weapon is. She wants to make sure Ken kills the story, but he won’t do it unless he is convinced. And by “is convinced,” he means “gets to bang Olivia.” They kiss. Back at the FBI, Jack’s given some sort of injection to mask the symptoms. The doctor tells him that there’s an experimental treatment but it requires genetically compatible stem cells, and she suggests his daughter as a donor. Instantly, Jack says he doesn’t want his daughter involved and leaves the room. Lady Jack pleads with Jack to involve his daughter, but he stonewalls her, saying he and his daughter don’t talk. Lady Jack suggests that it’s her choice whether she wants to help, and Jack says it is his choice because he’s the one dying. I predict Lady Jack contacting her sometime soon.

Back at Starkwood, security seems onto Tony, entering the building at the same point that he entered. Tony presses on, entering a room and disabling two Starkwood dudes who were searching for him before dressing in the clothes of one of the men. Continuing on, he enters an elevator. Another man enters as the doors are closing and he mentions never having seen Tony before. Tony deflects long enough for the man to leave. He gets a visual on the weapon and sends a photo to the FBI for Jack to verify. Jack confirms, and Tony says it looks like they’re transferring the agent from the cannisters to a delivery system so they can distribute it. Jack tells Tony that the place will be dust in 10 minutes and tells Tony to get out of there. At Doug’s office, Hodges shows up and Doug asks why he’s been arrested and held captive and asks what’s going on. He says he saw the FBI raid and that they say there are bioweapons at Starkwood. Hodges gives a we helped the US government and now they want to take us down speech. Doug tries to talk sense into him. Hodges assaults Doug with a glass bottle and throws him over a railing to the floor a couple of stories below, presumably killing him. As he’s cleaning blood off of him, Seaton alerts him that F-18s are en route and are 10 minutes away. Hodges tells Seaton to place a call to the President and that he’ll be there soon.

Back at the hotel, Olivia is getting dressed. She wants confirmation that the Starkwood story won’t run. Ken backstabs her, but assures her that her nose will stay clean. She shows him that she recorded their little tryst on video on her phone, and that puts her issue with Ken, a married man, to bed. As she’s leaving, the Prez calls and wants her at the White House because the airstrike is happening. It’s seven minutes out. Back at Starkwood, they’re trying to reach the President. Hodges acknowledges that Doug is dead. The airstrike planes are closing in, and the White House knows that Starkwood knows that they’re coming. Prez receives the call from Hodges on a private line. Hodges tells her that missiles are loaded with the pathogen and aimed at cities on the eastern seaboard and wants the planes turned around. He wants to meet with the Prez at the White House. He tells her that she has 30 seconds to call off the strike or he’ll launch the missiles. She calls for an abort without explanation, which is reluctantly executed. End of show.

Next week promises to “stop the clock” and missiles appear ready for launch, with Hodges negotiating with the Prez.

24 recap - King Missile

Real Tales of Law Enforcement Competence

Last Saturday, between booze brunch and a tailgate, I came home to someone parked in my parking space. To be more clear, that’s covered parking space that is official property of me. Not a space I just happen to park in, that bitch is mine. The vehicle did not have its hazard lights blinking, which usually indicates a short stay, and since I was going to need to load my car up for the aforementioned tailgate, I was not happy with having to park on the street. With a little over 90 minutes to kill before having to load up and leave. Action needed to be taken.

I called the police non-emergency number to request ticketing of the vehicle, since the towing company we use will not tow unless the vehicle is ticketed. The dispatcher told me that a unit would be sent over as soon as possible. Figuring that I would not see an officer before leaving, and that the vehicle would be gone well before a cop got here, since nobody would be stupid enough to leave themselves illegally parked in someone else’s space for 90 minutes, I went to take the dog for a walk. Imagine my surprise when we got back to my building 15 minutes later to see an officer walking down the hall toward the garage.

“You wouldn’t happen to be ticketing, would you?” I asked, thinking that it was just happenstance and hopefully I could get this officer to help me out.

“Are you Mr. 66?” he asked.

Holy crap. As soon as possible was actually really soon.

“I am. The space is this way.”

A fifteen minute response time? Unbelievable. The vehicle was ticketed, and I called the tow company thinking that this thing would be over and done with well before I had to leave.

“I’ve only got one truck that can fit in that garage, and that won’t be available til Monday” the tow company guy told me. Fairly sure that it’d be gone by then, I called another tow company, and was told that a truck would be there in 45 minutes. That turned into an hour, an when I finally loaded up to leave, the vehicle was still there.

Now, it wasn’t there when I got back, but I don’t know if that’s because it was towed or because the driver left (I’m betting on the latter.) Still, I’m in a bit of disbelief over the fact that there was actual prompt response to my call. Yeah, you could say that that response time would be better used on a more important issue, but I’ll take it, with the hope that if something more important had been going on at the time I would not have seen a cop so soon. Now if only the tow trucks could move a little quicker…

Real Tales of Law Enforcement Competence

Lord, what fools?

I’m not going to do it. You’ll know what it is the moment you start reading, especially by now with all the other April Fools Day posts floating around. Instead, here are a few stories that would make you think they are April Fools Day jokes if they weren’t so strange.

Ohio man charged with drunken driving on bar stool

Taiwan man brings home the bacon

Miss Universe says had “lot of fun” in Guantanamo

Nincompoop fooled by link, clicks over and over

Lord, what fools?

24 recap: The Infected

24, baby. You know the drill.

SPOILER ALERT

This episode will take us to midnight. Jack is being checked out by the CDC, as well as the truck he drove out of the compound. He’s asked to disrobe, and says that the weapon, when tested on Sangalans, caused dementia and paralysis. He gets scrubbed down like Jules and Vince in Pulp Fiction.

Barney’s back, though not as annoying as usual. Larry is preparing to move on Starkwood if proof of a weapon is acquired. Meanwhile, the weapon is being lowered onto Starkwood helipad, and Tony is unloaded conscious and walking. Hodges tells Seaton that Tony won’t talk, that he’s not the type. Thugs beat up Tony anyway trying to get him to talk, and tell them what the FBI knows. No dice. Tony says “I don’t know anything, Mr. Hodges.” Seaton suggests to Hodges that they destroy the evidence, the weapon, before the FBI gets there. Hodges, obviously, isn’t budging.

Back at the truck, they’re maintaining Jack’s quarantine and tell him they’ll have results as to whether he was infected in 15 minutes. They’re trying to identify the pathogen released by the weapon. At the White House, Olivia is suggesting to the President that she look outside her administration to find a replacement for Ethan. The President tells Olivia that she’d like her to be her interim Chief of Staff. Olivia accepts. Larry calls the Prez and tells her that Jack was framed by Starkwood for killing Burnett and Senator 70s Show. He then tells her about the weapon, and says that they need to move on Starkwood immediately. The Prez calls for an assembly of the cabinet and the Joint Chiefs.

Back at the FBI, Larry walks into Lady Jack’s holding room, and tells her of Starkwood’s role in setting up Jack and developing the weapon. He tells a concerned Lady Jack about Jack being exposed to the weapon and quarantined. She sheds a couple of tears. Larry apologizes for not having trusted Jack and Lady Jack, and that she should have kept him in the loop and trusted him. Lady Jack looks distant but composes herself and asked when they were moving on Starkwood. At the White House, Aaron has been debriefed and is leaving but Olivia asks him to be part of her security detail as she’s acting Chief of Staff. Aaron says he’s retired and appears not to want to do the job. Olivia tries to persuade him, says she trusts him, and leaves assuming his answer is yes. The President addresses the cabinet and Joint Chiefs. Starkwood is located in Northern Virginia. Northern Virginia REPRESENT! The pathogen has been identified, called CJE, and there’s no cure.

Back at Starkwood, some dude is bargaining with Tony on behalf of Hodges. He pulls a gun on Tony who’s not talking, but Seaton shoots the guy before he can shoot Tony. Seaton wants Tony’s help, saying that he won’t go down because Hodges has lost his mind. He wants immunity, so Tony suggests they call the FBI to strike a deal. In an ambulance, Jack’s bloodwork is back. The results are on some sort of PDA that is shown to Jack, who reacts ambiguously before returning the device and saying “thank you.” Commercial. Fuckers.

At the FBI, Barney tells Lady Jack that Jack’s arrived. She meets him and he tells her that he’s infected and he walks away. Lady Jack learns from a doctor that it’s not contagious. She goes to a room where Jack is changing into street clothes and is shirtless. She tells him she’s to debrief him. I bet she is. Back at Starkwood, Seaton is leading Tony around. They enter Seaton’s office, and Seaton begins to secure the landline to call the FBI. Seaton says he never thought Hodges would take it this far. He regrets not having done something to stop Hodges sooner. Tony calls FBI and talks to Larry. He explains that Seaton released him in exchange for immunity for telling him where the weapon is located. Tony asks about Jack, and Larry tells him that he’s infected. Larry sets up a call to the White House to arrange immunity for Seaton. (Semi-related note: it’s a little strange to see David Palmer pushing Allstate during an episode of 24.)

The Prez is looking at videos of Sangalans’ reactions to CJE. She regrets having fed the Starkwood monster, and feels at least partly responsible for them having the weapon. Larry calls, asking for immunity for Seaton. She authorizes the move and signs the immunity document digitally. Larry says they can be at Starkwood in 10 minutes. Seaton gives the coordinates of a warehouse where the weapon is. They want someone on the ground for recon, so Seaton is taking Tony there. The FBI mobilizes as Jack arrives. He wants to go on the operation, but Larry indicates Jack’s infection as a reason that he can’t go as Lady Jack looks on. Jack accepts that he’s right, and said he always knew they’d finally agree on something.

At Starkwood, Tony takes out a distracted security guard and Seaton leads him to the warehouse. They look on from the outside. Inside, Hodges knows that the FBI is on the way after intercepting a government transmission. Larry, in a chopper, talks to Tony on a radio who relays information about people outside and inside the warehouse. Starkwood’s air tower contacts the FBI, and Larry does the equivalent of serving a search warrant for the warehouse. Choppers descend on Starkwood. Larry meets Seaton and Tony. FBI forces roll in and arrest the armed guards outside the warehouse. I get the feeling that the warehouse is empty as they blow the doors off of it. It is. Seaton alleges that he told Tony everything under duress. Seaton is arrested. Hodges looks on and acknowledges that Seaton bought them some time on the other side of the compound. Larry gives the order to search the entire compound as a bunch of Starkwood soldiers descend upon them in huge numbers and armored vehicles. A man emerges and says that Starkwood won’t let the FBI search the property and that they will defend it, adding that if the FBI advances any further they will be fired upon. End of episode.

Next week, Jack appears to suffer from the effects of the CJE, Starkwood and the FBI are still standing off, and Olivia appears to be willing to sleep with the reporter dude to keep a story from breaking.

24 recap - The Infected

Emotional Escape Artist

If you’re not watching Important Things with Demetri Martin, you should be.

Emotional Escape Artist

Nat Necessary

I love beer. As a devoted partier, happy hourer, and tailgater, beer and I have a wonderful relationship. I buy it, consume it, and it makes me drunk. It only makes me want to vomit when I shotgun. I tend to go for the darker variety, but I have nothing against the lighter sort. Excepting Bud Light Lime I haven’t had an objection to anything beer in a very long time. Until now.

Exsqueeze me. A baking powder?

I cannot actually be seeing this.

Okay that’s it. This is fucking ridiculous.

Look, Nasty Light, you haven’t mattered since… I dunno, high school? And now you’re trying to make yourself relevant by inserting yourself against our will into our daily vocabulary by Natting up everyday words. You know what I call that?

Vocabularape.

See? I can do it too.

Let’s get a few things straight. First of all, if I showed up to someone’s party with a few cases of Natural Light (commercial 2), the party wouldn’t stop when I knocked over a beer; it would stop when people saw what I was carrying. Second of all, if a hot chick with a pizza showed up at my place and all I had was a refrigerator full of Natural Light (commercial 1), that hot chick would leave and take the pizza with her. Third of all, the only reason I’d sit on a cooler full of Natural Light (commercial 3) is so I wouldn’t have to get up because I could tell everyone who wanted to get in there that “it’s just Natty Light” and they’d say “oh, fuck, then where’s the good beer?” And am I the only one who noticed that, while all the other Nattyisms are correctly broken down by syllable, Natural Light dropped the ball on “nat-io fur-ni-ture,” which should’ve been “nat-i-o fur-ni-ture” since natio is 3 syllables?

Natural Light, attempting to climb the beer ladder to the middle of the pecking order is an exercise in futility. You should be embracing your place in line, as the beer that 16 year olds drink because the guy at the 7-11 at 11:50pm doesn’t give a shit if they buy it with their obviously fake IDs as long as they stay away from the good stuff. It’s what you’re good at.

Nat Necessary