TMI Thursday: Head me off at the pass

TMI Thursday is back again this week. Most people tend to remember their first time for a lot of things. The first time they got drunk, their first kiss, the first time they got laid. This story…

Head Trauma

…is about the first time I got head.

She went to another high school. I can’t remember how we met, probably at some sort of sporting event, but her mom brought her over one weekend afternoon while I was home alone. I know, how romantic. We hung out watching a movie in the basement, generally shooting the shit, before awkwardly moving closer to one another and making up reasons to touch eachother. Don’t laugh. Adults do it too, except these days there isn’t any “are you ticklish?” going on when picking up in a bar. Or IS there?

Anyway, one awkward move leads to another, and we’re making out on the sofa. Here’s where it gets a little fuzzy for me. I have a pretty sharp memory, but I can’t remember for the life of me how it is we ended up on the floor. We didn’t stay on the couch, move to the comfortable chair/ottoman combo, or move to the bed in my room. We ended up, her on top of me, on the floor between those three things. I didn’t care, though I could’ve used the dog not just staring at us the entire time. So, things are moving, and she asks if I want a blowjob. Having never had the pleasure, it was all I could do to not shout “YES!”, so I held my breath for a second to not seem so excited, and said as calmly uncalm as I could “uh… sure.”

She dove into it like she’d been waiting anxiously for the past couple hours for me to order her to blow me. Like it was Halloween and I was full of chocolate and that was the only way to get it out. Like she was deathly ill and I was full of the cure. It was great for a couple of minutes, before she stopped to ask me a completely unrelated question which lead to a completely unrelated conversation. And then she went back to blowing me. It was at about the fourth time this happened that I began to wonder 1) is this how it is usually done? Because they don’t do a lot of talking when they do this in porn, and 2) what time is her mom coming back to get her? This is lasting a lot longer than it should, and if she doesn’t stop pausing to talk she’s not going to…

BEEP BEE-BEEP, went the car horn in the driveway.

“Fuck” went the I-66.

“Oh shit, my mom’s here,” went the girl, wiping drooliness from her chin, “I’ve gotta go.”

And she left. After I closed the door behind her, I did what you think I did.

A couple of weeks later she called. I had started dating another girl in the interim, but she had no idea. She asked what I’d been up to, and somewhere in there I said something about the girlfriend.

“You have a girlfriend?!?” she said, before hanging up the phone.

Of course only later did I realize that she thought I had the girlfriend before, and that I’d cheated on the girlfriend with her. Maybe I should’ve been more clear. We never spoke again.

TMI Thursday - Head Trauma

19 Responses

  1. Well, to be fair, she left you with some of the bluest balls EVER.

    • True, but I got to relieve myself of that fairly expediently. That was better than the alternative: my mother interrupting by entering the room, leading to instant flaccidity.

  2. Yes — there’s still tickling in bars. Not that I know anything about that.

  3. So she thought that you had dumped the gf for her? Please, she couldn’t even finish what she started.

    • She thought I had a girlfriend the entire time, and that she herself was the other woman. She wasn’t pleased, but I didn’t care enough to try to explain at that point.

  4. I love that she would just talk about things unrelated, like you guys weren’t actually doing what you were doing and instead doing something mundane like reading the newspaper.

  5. Ha holy shit the first time I gave head I was way too nervous to talk. I was literally shaking because I was so nervous. Back then I thought it was pretty much the law that I had to swallow no matter what, so I did, and as a result almost threw up in the guy’s car. SO hot.

    • Maybe she was so used to it that she had no problem making small talk? Actually, that idea is a little unsettling, so let’s forget that I wrote it.

  6. OMG, you finally got the comment-thread thing going.

    Now…on to the blog


    That is all.

  7. I shudder to think of what the first man I gave head to thought.

  8. Oh, brutal. Seriously.

    My first time was with my high school boyfriend. His sister called during it. And then his brother knocked on the door. And then his mom walked in. It was a family affair.

    Took me a REALLY LONG TIME to get over that…

  9. Thursdays on your blog are always so heart-warming.

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