TMI Thursday: Bone Tugs-n-Comedy

Well well well, if it isn’t TMI Thursday again. I’ve not participated the last two weeks, but I’m jumping back in with two feet. This week’s installment is entitled…

Bone Tugs-n-Comedy

Once upon a time, I had a virgin girlfriend. At the time, our road map to Penetration Station was littered with detours to Fingerville and Dryhump City, and it definitely was not the scenic route. One night things were getting as risqué as fully-clothed relations can get. We were lying on the bed and she reached down my pants and suddenly a new municipality was on the map.

Handjobville.

“Great,” I thought, “this must be a Penetration Station suburb.” It turns out that it was as much a suburb as Richmond is a suburb of DC.

Her initial attempts were misguided at best. She gripped me in the same manner that the claw in one of those 25 cent stuffed animal machines tries to grab a teddy bear – from above. Initially I attempted to maneuver myself so that her hand would move, but that didn’t work. A couple of times I vocally indicated how it should be held. Growing frustrated, I physically moved her hand, wrapping the fingers around and showing her how to move. That ended up working… for a few moments. I thought I’d turned the corner, but slowly the hand started to slide and revert back to the overhand claw grip. If I had been a comic book character, I would’ve had a big question mark in a bubble over my head in one panel, and then in the next panel I would’ve had an exclamation mark in that same bubble, and a faint blue hue emanating from my crotch.

Seeking respite, I told her to stop and that I was going to cum so I needed to go to the bathroom. She asked why, in a tone that indicated to me that either she had no idea that I was telling her that I was going to make a mess on me, her, and the sheets, or that that fact was acceptable to her. Either way, I slid out of her hand and out of the room. I moved quickly to the bathroom, closed the door, and called upon the only person who could do the job in the quickest and most efficient manner: me. The pressure was on to finish quickly, because if I didn’t she was going to think that the male orgasm lasts about 5 minutes. It didn’t help that I was essentially starting from scratch, but I managed things fairly expeditiously, while lamenting not having kept any porn by the john.

It was at that moment I swore off being anyone’s educator. No more teaching someone how to give a BJ, HJ, or ZJ. I’d thrown in the towel… but not after using it first.

TMI Thursday - Bone Tugs-n-Comedy

10 Responses

  1. What’s a ZJ? I’ve never heard of that one.

    Try this.

  2. The overhand CLAW grip? I think even I did better than that.

    Second re: Jo…

    It was awkward to say the least. See above.

  3. That sounds…well…uncomfortable. I’m sorry.

    I’m also kind of stuck on “overhand claw grip.” I just can’t imagine how it even seemed like a good idea…

    Even to the novice I can’t imagine it making sense. Then again, I know someone who had a girl quite literally blow on him the first time he received a blowjob. It was her first time too, but at least he knew what he was supposed to be getting.

  4. “faint blue hue.” Ha Ha.

    I didn’t figure that would slip by you.

  5. “and special thanks to E, who inspired this story.” i need to have my own feature column for all the material i supply you with. oh wait, i have my own blog for that..

    You do? I wasn’t sure.

  6. See, these are the things they should teach in Sex Ed.

    Hmm… well, it wouldn’t take very long to teach. Yeah, there are variances in technique that you only learn by doing, but the groundwork needs to be put down sometime.

  7. So, what you’re saying is that you expect every one of your future partners to know exactly how to pleasure you and what to do? That’s a “tall” order. ;-)

    Now now… All I’m saying here is that I expect my future partners to know the elementary method of giving a handjob. That’s all.

  8. [...] 29, 2009 in Uncategorized My inspiration for this week’s drawing. 66's [...]

  9. “A Penetration Station suburb” — hahahahaha love it. ;)

  10. [...] I-66’s TMI Thursday: Bone Tugs-n-Comedy [...]

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