TMI Thursday: Christmas Cannon

It’s Thursday, and I’ve got some TMI offerings for you. Today’s story, with a nod to the holidays:

Christmas Cannon

It technically was the week after Christmas, something in the neighborhood of 5 years ago, maybe 6. I was concerned because my dog hadn’t taken a dump in a few days. He was eating, but he’d only pee on our walks. One morning he came to me frantically, running circles around me and doing half-jumps where his front paws only lifted a few inches off the ground. I immediately figured something was up because he was hypothyroid and, even despite his medication, still fairly sluggish and generally a layabout. This sort of activity was rather unusual.

“Wanna go outside?” I asked.

He sprinted to the sliding glass door. I opened it and let him out onto the lower level of the deck and he ran through the entrance to the fenced in backyard. He jumped to a stop and popped a squat.

You know when you pinch a weak streaming water hose in the middle for a few seconds how the water comes exploding out when you let it go?

Yeah.

My dog turned in to a canine water hose, except, you know, poop. Tail extended, he looked like a Wile E. Coyote Acme rocket, and I swore if he was lighter he’d actually lift off. I stood in silent awe for a few moments until the sputtering stream was done. Once it stopped, he remained squatted as if afraid to move, still trying to squeeze out anything else that might be lingering. He stayed in that position for a couple of minutes with no visible results, so I came back inside. A couple more minutes later, he came to the door and stood there waiting for me to open it to let him in. When I did, he went to his bed, curled up, and laid down, as if nothing had happened. I silently thanked him for not having done that on a walk where I’d have had to try to clean it up, because that? There was no chance in hell.

Christmas Cannon

5 Responses

  1. Whoo, or all over the house.

    Yuck.

  2. Oh, that poor pup. He deserved a nap after that. I mean, we’ve all been there.

    No? Just me? Well screw you guys.

  3. ” Tail extended, he looked like a Wile E. Coyote Acme rocket”

    Brilliance.

  4. i think it was a really good thing you did, walking away. no one wants to be seen like that

  5. What is with all of these shit stories tonight? A friend emailed a lengthy story about another friend’s asshole issues.

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