TMI Thursday: Literary Classic Reprised

Inspired by an instant message exchange with the delightfully depraved E, I’m using TMI Thursday as an excuse to tell the following story. Longtime readers have seen bits and pieces of this story over the years, but there are some parts that I’ve left out for one reason or another. This is the essential. This is…

Noby Dick

Thar She Doesn’t Blow

It was a summer after college. I had a girlfriend who wanted to have sex all the time. This would not be notable, except for two things:

1) The sex was the same all the time and kinda boring and tedious
2) The girl wouldn’t blow me

This was problematic, but since 20-year-old me was getting laid on the regular, 20-year-old me wasn’t complaining much. My requests for a little lip service, and I did ask, were met with negative responses and little explanation. No matter how many times I asked her to rock the mic, she wouldn’t do it. Frustrating.

So one night things were hotting up in Cama-66. Girlfriend started making her way south of the border and, I’ll be damned, she began imparting some knowledge upon me. You know, giving me a little brain. “Finally!!” I exclaimed to myself, and I may or may not have raised my arms triumphantly. What? It was dark. So 30 seconds later, deed not done, the girl comes up. Not for air. For good. I’m perplexed, but I didn’t feel that way for long because she said:

“There. Now you can’t say anything.”

I’m so glad the room was dark, because you know that look of surprise you get where you slow blink? You close your eyes, raise your eyebrows, and then open your eyes really wide? That was me. Really? Like you did anything down there in 30 seconds? I broke the silence with an incredulous chuckle. We had lame sex. I went to sleep, but not before deciding to put the girlfriend on probation. Yup. I was holding out for an undetermined period of time.

So a few days go by. She clearly wanted sex, but I wasn’t having it, because… well, fuck that. One night we’re on the couch watching a movie. She falls asleep on my shoulder, and my arm is falling asleep. I nudge her, asking her to wake up for a second. Clearly without thinking, she begins the following exchange:

Her: “Why? We never do anything anyway.”
Me: [aforementioned slow blink of surprise]
Her: [look of "oh shit, what did I just say?"]
Me: “I think you should go.”

Visibly floored by me kicking her out, she stuttered through an unconvincing explanation that I don’t really remember. I threw her some “is sex all there is?” guilt, and reiterated my desire for her to leave. We broke up shortly thereafter, but not before she tried to stave off my killing of the relationship by saying “But I love you.” I’ll let E begin to close this out, as she did during our message exchange:

e: ahahahhahahahhahha
shit.
shoulda sucked your dick.

Truth be told, the relationship was doomed as it was, sucking or no sucking. That said, the no-job was the snowball (no pun) that started the avalanche. Either way, it makes for a good story.

Literary Classic Reprised

8 Responses

  1. Either way, it makes for a good story.

    And that’s really the most important thing, after all.

    Welcome to TMI Thursdays, darling! You’ve popped your cherry well.

    I knew there was a reason I felt like I needed a cigarette. I hope TMI calls me tomorrow.

  2. She was 20? And didn’t blow? Those are prime BJ years. Doesn’t she crave validation like any warm blooded American girl? Huh…

    I think in those 30 seconds I figured out why she didn’t do it. Part of me wants to commend the effort, but on the other hand it wasn’t much effort.

  3. Was she Jewish or something?

    No. I was unaware that the Jews extended that practice to the bedroom.

  4. It’s not my favorite thing in the world, but the BF and I have worked out a pretty good “tit for tat” system.

    Perhaps I’ve just popped my own TMI cherry.

  5. For the record, good girlfriends suck.

  6. they do! E, they do!

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