Cold shoulder

There’s something refreshing about the coming of the fall. I love seeing my breath, the sound of the leaves crunching on the ground beneath my feet, and the fact that I don’t have to undertake some major operation of changing the wardrobe out in my closet because it’s big enough to hold everything. If the weather turning is a large breasted woman, I’m a motorboatin’ son of a bitch. That said, there is one thing I don’t enjoy about the seasonal change…

“It’s freezing out…”

No. It isn’t.

The fact that the thermometer reads between 40 and 50 degrees, definitely not “freezing,” not withstanding, why are you complaining? It’s October, it’s not snowing, and this is not Florida. It’s seasonal. If you want it to be warm all the time, move to Ecuador. If you didn’t know, it’s warm there. If you’re whining about the cold and wind and it’s not even Halloween, how irritating are you going to be when it actually is cold? And you know what? When it is freezing, when it’s January and we’re digging ourselves out from beneath a wall of snow… or rather, when you’re digging yourself out from beneath a wall of snow and I’m drinking coffee and making the biggest snowball I can make to throw at you, you’re going to be wishing it was October and the thermometer read between 40 and 50 degrees.

So shut your face and accept that it’s not July or August. Carve yourself a pumpkin, eat some goddamned pumpkin seeds, and have yourself a venti pumpkin spice latte, half caff because you’re more likely to complain if you’re all strung out on sugar. Buy yourself some Halloween candy and eat it all before Friday. I don’t care what you do, just don’t complain about the weather.

Cold shoulder

5 Responses

  1. I was thinking as I walked home from work yesterday how much I love autumn. And jackets, and scarves, and the CRISPNESS of it all. I was almost sad to be home in the cold(er) on Sunday night, until we got to our house and there were orange and red leaves on the ground everywhere, and it was officially fall. It may not be a tropical island, but this is pretty damn good too.

    Were you at least dressed for the weather? Spring Break like 5 years ago I went on a cruise to the Bahamas. We drove back from Miami to early March DC weather at 3am. Getting out of the car in shorts and a t-shirt? Not cool. Lesson learned.

  2. I couldn’t agree more – people who complain when it (finally) gets chilly in October are usually the same people who complain when it snows in January and when it’s “too hot” in July. If you don’t want a temperate climate there are lots of others to choose from… Rar!

    I feel like we don’t really get the extremes here. No extreme heat, no extreme cold. People should be appreciative.

  3. Amen.

    (But bragging about the size of your closet? Unfair!)

    Come now, I wasn’t bragging…

    But I can. I think there’s a more proper time for that.

  4. I’m moving to Ecuador.

    Just stay clear of the Andean climes.

  5. Dude…cyber high five!!!! Actually, I’m not “that guy” so I’ll just give you an cyber-approving nod. I actually love this weather. It’s my favorite by far. I just wish I could find a pile of leaves to jump in.

    Just be careful that nobody’s built the pile of leaves around a fire hydrant.

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