A little “ed” in your coed

Coed recreational sports are a popular thing in DC and its surrounding suburbs. Most of the participants, whether softball, soccer, kickball, flag football, or whatever your pleasure, would probably not deny that they’re drinkers with a [your sport here] problem. Coed sports players just want to go out, have a good time playing a sport that they most likely enjoy, and probably go to the nearest watering hole and have a beer or five with their teammates and, possibly, their opponents. Fun is had, beer is consumed, and, even though most everyone will try to deny it, they hope phone numbers are exchanged and spit is swapped, though they probably have a canned response that has nothing to do with the presence of eligible singles as to the reason that they play coed sports. There’s nothing wrong with any of that.

One coed sports phenomenon of which you might not be aware is what I call “The Lurker.” I’m sure you’ve encountered The Lurker if you played coed sports, only you might not have realized that that’s what The Lurker was at the time. So what defines a Lurker?

The Lurker is, without fail, a friend of one of your teammates. Lurker is single, and doesn’t hesitate to announce it. Lurker probably hasn’t played the sport at hand before, and either legitimately has or just feigns interest in learning about the sport with an eye on eventually joining the team. Lurker comes to the games to support its friend, and eventually to support the team because its supposedly gotten to know everyone else. Suddenly, after it feels it has gained the trust of everyone else, The Lurker begins coming to postgame outings and other social functions, and eventually escalates to hitting on one or many of the players on the team on the low.

Simply put, The Lurker is fucking creepy.

I have up close and personal experience with The Lurker. A few years ago, friend of a teammate who also happened to be in a relationship (and maybe even engaged at the time, I can’t recall), The Lurker began to appear at games. After awhile, Lurker started saying he wanted to join the team, despite not having played before. Shortly thereafter, over the course of a couple of weeks, I began hearing from multiple girls that Lurker had contacted them via email, initially establishing contact in a friendly manner before asking them to dinner or some similar two-person outing. What after one report seemed like a dismissable event became a problem when the number of incidents began to rise, and it got so bad that I began asking the girls that hadn’t said anything to me whether they’d had similar experiences, and many of them said yes, but didn’t think there was anything unusual because they didn’t know it was happening to the others. I talked to Lurker’s friend to see if there was something she could do, like, oh I don’t know, stop bringing him around. It turns out that she, too, was having problems because he was hitting on her despite her very obvious relationship. Something needed to be done, since I was worried about him driving my teammates away from the team (a number of them said that if he joined they’d quit), but the problem solved itself once The Lurker’s friend cut him out of her life (though even after he reportedly kept coming by her place).

So, coed sports players, be on the alert. The Lurker’s out there… lurking.

2 Responses

  1. Note to self: Make sure to delete this post if Lurker turns up missing and they send a police detail to dig up your back yard…

    Thankfully that Lurker is no longer an issue. At the time, though, I was considering all options.

  2. i was totalllllly looking for a coed sport i could play in stilettos…until i read this…

    They aren’t sports, but I can think of a few coed things that you can do in stilettos.

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